relaunching my healing

Sitting in my hometown Starbucks, I am greeted by the warmth of consistency. I drink my never-changing coffee order and find peace in the familiar taste. When I was seventeen, I was sitting in this same coffee shop with my best friend Jeanna, designing the logo for what would become The Sunshine Project. We went through countless designs, scattering papers everywhere. We eventually decided on the umbrella stretching over the title, as if it were protecting the sunshine from the rain.

I never imagined that I would be here, four years later, drinking a much stronger coffee, with Jeanna’s handwriting tattooed on my left wrist: an "I love you" taken from a card from years before. so I would always have a piece of her with me.

Since I wrote The Sunshine Project, I feel as though various versions of my mind have bloomed and grown and died a million times over. As the time has passed and my own brain has flown in circles remembering all of my past, I reflect on why I wrote The Sunshine Project in the first place.

I remember being in high school, sitting in a classroom, and feeling so misunderstood, so undervalued, so stupid. Those feelings were so isolating. I was constantly reaching towards various versions of myself, continuously attempting to grow and flourish, only to be surrounded by what felt like an old, close-minded garden of the same flower. Any attempt at originality made me weak and any attempt to blend in led me even further towards loneliness.

The only thing that ever brought me comfort was poetry.

I originally didn't even mean to write poetry, but writing all of my feelings in sentences was far too tedious and much too bland. Words flowed out of me as if the world was begging for my thoughts. I loved poetry and poetry loved me. No judgement, no proof-reads, nothing. Just me in my sunny room writing out all of my feelings about all of the people around me. I almost felt like Regina George with the burn-book, but rather than insults I was empathetically psycho-analyzing everyone to better understand their cruel treatment towards me.

I realized that the root of my loneliness was not due to the lack of other's understanding, but my own. So, I got to know myself. Analyzing my surroundings, understanding the people in my life, and how they either conflicted or flowed with my being gave me a sense of control. If no one could understand me, I would have to understand me.

Republishing The Sunshine Project feels like relaunching my healing.

Since the original release, I have felt far away from the sunshine. I suffered a great loss when my best friend of fourteen years died in a tragic skydiving accident the summer after I graduated high school. With this loss, atop other mental struggles I was already facing, I launched into an era of losing myself and my control. I fell in and out of numerous friendships and relationships, seeking comfort and understanding from others, even though I no longer knew myself well. I explored who I could have been but consistently felt out of touch with hypothetical, false versions of myself. I rejected communication with my imagination and didn't bother to get to know myself again.

I missed and longed for the hope I held at seventeen, as the new and cruel world I got to know rid of all of my wishes and dreams.

As I crawl out of these past couple years, I am reminded of my own advice: to love well, to go easy on myself, to be kind. I am reminded of Jeanna's favorite saying "Treat People With Kindness". I am reminded of hope for a good life, because I am incredibly capable of creating and living a good life. I am reminded to provide a good life to the little girl inside me, the little Francesca.

With this relaunch, I hope to fondly visit the experiences of high school me, and thank my past for what it did for me. I have grown into someone I truly love, and I am so proud of myself for pulling through my worst days. I know my mind has been well because I write poetry again, I sing, I create lots and lots of stories, and I love myself well.

New Edition Details:

The Sunshine Project: and im still growing will feature many additions: double sided pages, page numbers, nine additional poems that did not make the original cut, a reflection note, and an updated "about the author" page. I will also release an ebook version, as well as a The Sunshine Project: journal edition, with lots and lots of blank paper for you all to pour out and analyze your own minds as well. I will also be releasing a more extensive line of merchandise, including bumper stickers, hats, and more. Keep a look out for more exciting details!

As for The Daily Downpour, I hope this can be a place for me to discuss my current journeys. I would love to provide insight into how I navigate daily moments of suffering, joy, everything. If you'd like to read along, sign up for my newsletter to receive notifications when I post a new blog.

I am so thankful to everyone supporting my ever-growing journey.

I love you,

Francesca